


Gestalt and Battery

by Paian



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: 100-1000 Words, 500-999 words, Crack, F/M, Food, Food Fight, Happy Ending, Humor, M/M, Prison, Season/Series 10, sexual innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-09
Updated: 2007-03-09
Packaged: 2017-10-03 22:58:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paian/pseuds/Paian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A happily-ever-after re-casting of how the Ori storyline might have gone after 'Dominion.' Gratuitous application of breakfast foods.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gestalt and Battery

The Ori's evangelists finally stopped dicking around with a sparsely populated planet here and a village there and tackled Earth. Adria re-took human form and got a TV show and sent her Priors out on a gruelling schedule of mall appearances, and within six weeks the First World was converted to Origin. The Third Worlders were less gullible and more staunch about their own beliefs, but they caved when the Priors executed all the warlords and brought peace and an end on hunger and deprivation. When the IOA was forced into revealing the existence of the Stargate Program, there was a collective "duuuh" and some muffled laughter and the story didn't even make it above the fold of the major newspapers. Once Earth, the most populous planet in the known galaxy, fell, the rest of the inhabited worlds went down like dominoes, and the Ori figured they had enough worship-juice to risk coming through the supergate themselves.

That was what the Others had been waiting (and waiting, and waiting, and waiting) for. They Ascended Daniel Jackson to serve as a witness -- he was on Death Row at the time, arguing through the bars and across the walkway with Jack in the opposite cell, and he was pretty pissed about being sucked up into glowy squiddom before he'd finished making his point -- and the Final Titanic Battle of the Higher-Plane Superbeings manifested, to his subjective perception, as a spectacularly messy food fight in a waffle house the size of several football fields.

Daniel came back to corporeal form standing naked in the prison walkway and dripping with syrup and pancake batter. After blinking for several seconds at Jack's offer to lick it off through the bars, he said, "It was just like Oma and Anubis, only more ... gooey. Once they ran out of stuff to throw at each other, they disappeared into an eternal standoff in some other dimension. Or maybe mutual annihilation. It was kind of hard to see through the scrambled eggs."

"All of them?" said Sam, gaze fixed studiously on the bars of the cell across from hers.

"All of them," said Daniel.

"For good?" said Mitchell, eyes fixed as hungrily on Daniel as Jack's were. Prison food really sucked.

"For good," said Daniel.

"I don't suppose you could get us out of here now," said Vala, down in the cell across from Teal'c's, looking speculatively at the parts of Daniel that would most likely _not_ serve as effective lockpicks.

"If O'Neill grows fatigued in his licking of the front," said Teal'c, because it seemed that he ought to have some kind of a line at this point, "I would be most honored to address the back."

At that moment the guards came to march them off for execution, because Adria and her Priors still had all their powers and were no less inclined than before to keep control of Earth and the galaxy. Thor beamed them out just as the flames rushed in around them, and after Daniel turned down Thor's offer to lick him clean -- Thor had a tiny little mouth and no apparent tongue at all, and it would take a ridiculous amount of time, not to mention that the syrup and batter had dried to a crust and then been carmelized by the near-roasting into an impenetrable lacquer -- Thor explained that the Asgard had finally finished rebuilding after the depredations of the replicators and come to lend their assistance, and they were beaming the Orici and all her Priors away right this moment.

"What will you do with them?" Vala asked.

"When you have come of age as the Fifth Race, you will become entitled to that knowledge," Thor said. "In the meantime, we are leaving you to evolve along your natural path, as the Furlings did before us and as the Nox will do in short order."

"In other words, we're on our own," Jack said -- "until the next time you need our help to save your skinny grey butts."

"Just so," Thor said, and beamed them all back down to Earth, where you'd think there would be a heck of a mess to clean up, but actually things were going along just fine, what with the world peace and prosperity and WMD-neutralizers and other nice things the evangelists of Origin had brought to the planet.

After Daniel turned down Teal'c's second offer to do the back while Jack did the front, Teal'c went off to live with Ishta, training generations of warriors as martial artists with the emphasis on arts, and making lots of half-uncles and half-aunts for Rya'c's kids to play with. Mitchell went off to look up his high-school-reunion sweetheart, Carter finally went off in a starship to retrieve Ambassador Joe from the agrarian planet whose stargate she'd destroyed to thwart the Aschen (Joe was fine, much more rugged and tanned and muscled and even more handsome after years of healthy farm labor, and wearing much more sensible shoes), and Vala went off to track down Tomin, finding him among a group of displaced Ori soldiers looking for daywork in the melon fields of Southern California and marrying him -- again -- in the area's first Church of Whatever You Conceive the Higher Power to Be If You Even Conceive of One At All and If You're Just Here for the Good Fellowship and Good Works That's Cool Too, which showed signs of becoming the closest thing to institutionalized religion that Earth would have for quite some time.

Jack got to lick off Daniel's impregnable syrup-and-batter casing, and then pour on a new one, and lick that off too.

And the whole universe lived happily ever after.


End file.
